I like to smile. As Buddy the elf says, “smiling is my favorite.” But, what if I don’t feel like smiling. You know what I have just figured out...it is ok. It is ok to have a rough day, week, or month. It is ok.
I have not written anything in this blog for whiles. Do you know what? That is ok. The past two years have been a whirlwind. I am proud to say that I have completed 68 hours at Missouri State University with a 3.48 GPA. Not too bad considering the hours that I put in working as well. It is ok.
Most of the time I have my head in the game of school, or work so much that the distractions of life are ignored or overlooked. I keep busy, not leaving extra time to think about what is going on around me. I want so badly to enjoy life, it just seen like I have to make the time and put it on the calendar a month in advance. But, It is ok.
Not everything can be placed on the calendar. What happens when everything stops and I have time to think about something other than school, or work? Well, today the tears flowed, I made a fool of myself and I came to a realization...I do not always have to be ok, and nor do I have to pretend that I am.
I will just say it, my 20’s sucked. There is no other way to put it. I was hurt all the way to my very core. But, I put on the Carla smile and said, “I am ok”....I held people at a distance and to a standard so high that no one could meet my exceptions. When people failed to meet my exceptions, I tried to fix them. I thought I was helping, (but most people don’t think they need to be or want to be fixed. silly me) All of this left me feeling detached. That is not ok. I am now realizing how much my experiences have shaped me.
Someone said to me, that I have to learn to trust again, If I don’t I will be missing out on the good stuff. I want the good stuff, I need the good stuff. I have said that I am a disaster at relationships. I am. I am 36 and single, and there is a reason for that. But, I have hope that I will someday be able to see the beauty in my scars, and be able to trust.
I know who I am:
-Carla - the daughter of Larry and Judy
-the granddaughter of Carl, Clara, Bob and Eula
-a sister
-an aunt
-a friend
-a student
-a hard worker
-a teacher
-a lover of life
